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A
group of my old friends, from what seems like 150
years ago, were spending some time together last
week, when the subject of good women was broached by
one of the guys in the group. Having just made the
decision to move back home, after having been gone
for more than a decade, he, of course, wanted to
know what was available and the standards that have
been set concerning men, women, and relationships.
Naturally, the question came up as to whether it was
possible to find good, decent women here in Addis
that one would be able to have a meaningful
relationship with.
I, as well as the other lady in the group, were at a
loss for words. This is not because there are no
good women in town, certainly there is no lack of
beautiful ones, but we were fully aware of the
density of character that these men were looking
for. Having grown up with these guys, I was pretty
sure that the standard Addis Abeban female was far
from the vessel that they were aching to ride into
the stormy seas, if you catch my drift.
So, we stated the obvious, there are plenty of
beautiful women around. Many do not go outside of a
certain intellectual, spiritual and conversational
plane. And, of course, there is also the unspoken
truth that they are, for the most part, looking for
someone that would be able to improve their standard
of living as opposed to a significant life altering
partner that they are willing to grow and experience
with. This was obviously not stated as emphatically
as it is here, but the conclusions, after much
talking over one another, were those.
Interestingly enough, this was not seen by all as
being a necessarily bad thing. The point was made
that young Ethiopian women often see marriage as a
way out of the life situation that they find
themselves in. Even those that are gainfully
employed are, for the most part, looking for the
same thing because society teaches us that the only
way a woman can really extract herself from the
conditions of her life is by finding a good husband.
At the same time, these very same women are willing
to sacrifice their happiness and their freedom
simply to have that outwardly idyllic marriage that
tradition pounds into us as the ultimate end to a
woman’s life.
Whatever their reasons for trying to latch onto men
that they think may be able to give them a better
home, nicer clothes, fancier cars, at the end of the
day, most of the women that land the fool in their
trap often stay with them to build homes and
families. Divorce is not rampant in our society, and
we all know that Ethiopians will put up with a lot
of excrement in marriages, just to put on a good
face. Unacceptable to a mind like mine, but one
would be foolish to claim that the ways of many are
folly.
I
come from a minority which can, for better or worse,
be considered warped and unrealistic considering
where in the world it is that we are. My alma
mater did not breed weak nor meek women. We were
all outspoken, opinionated, had something to say on
just about any subject that came up, and could add a
cherry to any lovely ice-cream sundae. Most have
gone on to make fulfilling lives for themselves,
sans the wedding band and the archetypical
Ethiopian husband.
So far, there are few that have fallen into the
traditional trap, and instead of the foolishness of
thinking that it is a man that can get us out of out
life situations, what we have instead decided is
that we are able to do that for ourselves. This is
the missing streak in the DNA of the average
Ethiopian woman. She is constantly taught to rely on
others. In a horribly patriarchal society, she
relies on the father to provide for her, the mother
to nurture her, the siblings to lie and hide for
her, and the husband to take on all these roles once
he is given the reigns of her life.
No where in this scenario is the fact that she can
do all these things for herself. We are unknowingly
breeding social cripples that have been forced to
turn themselves into magazine drones with makeup and
big hair so that they are able to be that adornment
on the arm of the prize that they so desperately
seek. One has to be frank and admit, of course, that
for some, if not many women in our country, this is
indeed the way out.
But this form of communal thinking could easily be
destroyed if mothers were to pay attention to the
sort of existence that they themselves have been
subjected to, if they have entered into this sort of
marriage. Is it something that they would really
like to leave as a legacy for their children? Would
they be more proud of a daughter that has married
well or one that has done good for herself? I hate
to be the first to admit; more often than not, the
former is the better choice, particularly for
conservative Ethiopian mothers.
The catch here is that women have to somehow begin
thinking for themselves, and what is right for them,
despite the fact that all modes of thinking in the
society teach them the contrary. What it really
demands is that the resilience of spirit and the
ingenuity that is used to ensnare these men be
applied to a more constructive plane that could
potentially be the means to the successful end that
they so desperately long for.
Better yet, come spend a day with me, or any one of
those women out here that do not put marriage and
marital responsibilities at the top of their
priorities list, and then maybe there might be
something else to offer. |
